I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize