If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
