The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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