1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I need help removing her.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
