It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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