Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
