Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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