Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
