It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
