If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
