I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize