if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Boobs are out for the taking
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
