Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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