Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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