I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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