Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
