Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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