I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
