I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
