We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize