Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
