I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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