I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
