I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
