dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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