i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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