Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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