my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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