I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
