I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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