My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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