i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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