she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
