Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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