Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize