Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
