last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
