I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
