I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
