dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
are you so shy because you have an std?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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