you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
