So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
