And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
