So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
