A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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