I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
