I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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