Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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