I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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