Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
