There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
