My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I love having hate sex.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Randomize
