I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
