I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
