Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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