dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
