The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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