Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I need to sanitize my soul.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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