If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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