I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
