Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize